Bleck to the bleck degree.
Years ago I was treated for depression. (Like 13 years ago). I went through a bad breakup and was young and struggling to feel important and valued. I have a looooooong history of making bad relationship (both family and love) choices, and I try to do the right thing, I just seem to like to fail. I make bad decisions with both eyes open and with full knowledge of the consequences. Truth be told, I am often attracted to people until the very moment I find out they have an interest in me. I love the chase, but loathe the catch. Which is fine -- it is who I am, and I am learning to deal with it.
I am nearing 40 (choke, gasp) and everything is beginning to seem so shaky. I am on disability for the time being, and my job is shaky. I work for a "Fortune 500 company" whose "fortune" is becoming less fortunate by the day. I hate my job, but am clinging to it for dear life because there is not much out there for me to go to. Just like boyfriends of years past, my job is something I need to have because the idea of not having one is scary.
I used to feel like I had a good solid future. I have an excellent educational and work experience background, but suddenly I am looking to compete with people nearly half my age, and with half of my debt ratio.
I struggle with seasonal depression, and am trying to focus on being mentally healthy. Truth be told, the thought of going back to work makes me break out in tears, and the thought of not having a job to go to does not make me feel much better.
Granted, no one "at work" is talking about cutbacks, but it is just denial. It is (to me) 50 /50 at this point. The next month will be a big indicator of what is coming.
I need to reconnect with the person I was 13.5 years ago. When I had faith in myself, and believed in myself. I know I am better off than 93.7% of the people in the world. I have options that many people don't. I need to take my life more seriously.
Despite how this entry sounds -- I am not sad. I just need to take control again.
Years ago I was treated for depression. (Like 13 years ago). I went through a bad breakup and was young and struggling to feel important and valued. I have a looooooong history of making bad relationship (both family and love) choices, and I try to do the right thing, I just seem to like to fail. I make bad decisions with both eyes open and with full knowledge of the consequences. Truth be told, I am often attracted to people until the very moment I find out they have an interest in me. I love the chase, but loathe the catch. Which is fine -- it is who I am, and I am learning to deal with it.
I am nearing 40 (choke, gasp) and everything is beginning to seem so shaky. I am on disability for the time being, and my job is shaky. I work for a "Fortune 500 company" whose "fortune" is becoming less fortunate by the day. I hate my job, but am clinging to it for dear life because there is not much out there for me to go to. Just like boyfriends of years past, my job is something I need to have because the idea of not having one is scary.
I used to feel like I had a good solid future. I have an excellent educational and work experience background, but suddenly I am looking to compete with people nearly half my age, and with half of my debt ratio.
I struggle with seasonal depression, and am trying to focus on being mentally healthy. Truth be told, the thought of going back to work makes me break out in tears, and the thought of not having a job to go to does not make me feel much better.
Granted, no one "at work" is talking about cutbacks, but it is just denial. It is (to me) 50 /50 at this point. The next month will be a big indicator of what is coming.
I need to reconnect with the person I was 13.5 years ago. When I had faith in myself, and believed in myself. I know I am better off than 93.7% of the people in the world. I have options that many people don't. I need to take my life more seriously.
Despite how this entry sounds -- I am not sad. I just need to take control again.
2 comments:
Hugs!!!! I still owe you an email!! Will do soon, promise! Love you! x
hello, hello. it's me lonely, from over at diaryland. just wanted to say hello, and hang in there. you will be strong again. i will be too...i'm hoping. thanks for your e-mails. i will be in touch soon. :) take care of yourself.
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