Brown Friday

Bleck to the bleck degree.
Years ago I was treated for depression. (Like 13 years ago). I went through a bad breakup and was young and struggling to feel important and valued. I have a looooooong history of making bad relationship (both family and love) choices, and I try to do the right thing, I just seem to like to fail. I make bad decisions with both eyes open and with full knowledge of the consequences. Truth be told, I am often attracted to people until the very moment I find out they have an interest in me. I love the chase, but loathe the catch. Which is fine -- it is who I am, and I am learning to deal with it.
I am nearing 40 (choke, gasp) and everything is beginning to seem so shaky. I am on disability for the time being, and my job is shaky. I work for a "Fortune 500 company" whose "fortune" is becoming less fortunate by the day. I hate my job, but am clinging to it for dear life because there is not much out there for me to go to. Just like boyfriends of years past, my job is something I need to have because the idea of not having one is scary.
I used to feel like I had a good solid future. I have an excellent educational and work experience background, but suddenly I am looking to compete with people nearly half my age, and with half of my debt ratio.
I struggle with seasonal depression, and am trying to focus on being mentally healthy. Truth be told, the thought of going back to work makes me break out in tears, and the thought of not having a job to go to does not make me feel much better.
Granted, no one "at work" is talking about cutbacks, but it is just denial. It is (to me) 50 /50 at this point. The next month will be a big indicator of what is coming.
I need to reconnect with the person I was 13.5 years ago. When I had faith in myself, and believed in myself. I know I am better off than 93.7% of the people in the world. I have options that many people don't. I need to take my life more seriously.
Despite how this entry sounds -- I am not sad. I just need to take control again.

Now it all makes sense!!!

My Mom is trying to clear out a garage at one of her rental houses. To my shock and amazement, a few of the boxes were mine. I swear it was like going through a museum of my childhood. My Mom never keeps anything (most of the things in the garage were either furniture or things that belong to my step-dad. I am a packrat. I keep EVERYTHING. I was so happy to find a few things I thought were long gone. One of them being the above pictured PLAYSKOOL McDonalds playset. (Perfect for the future vegetarian!!) I had forgotten how many hours I spent playing with it. I am shocked to have the box and 95% of the pieces.
I also found my old Play-Doh ice cream truck (which must be valueable since Ebay did not have one listed!! LOL). I have not gone through all of the boxes yet, but it will be a nice project for the rest of my diability time off :-)

So much for a trip to the midwest

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day. We both had interesting fathers (by interesting I mean had gone to jail) and it reminded me that my Dad is banned from one (may be more, who knows) state in the US. Although I do not want to name which state, lets just say it starts with a K and ends in ansas.
When I was a teenager, my Mom drove out to K----s to pick him up. She literally had to drive to the state line and wait for a small "duster" plane to land. My Dad got out of the plan (handcuffed) and was reminded never to enter K----s ever again.
Granted my Dad went to jail for DUI's and minor drug offenses , but I never did find out what he did to piss that state off so much.
I still watch COPS hoping to see him.

A day without crutches

So far I have spent most of the day cuddling with my roommates dog. Isn't she adorable???? She likes to burrow under the covers and nap with just her head sticking out. She is getting used to me being home all day, and is quite snuggly. It is funny to watch her interact with my cats. When no one is watching they get along and all sleep near each other.

Since my lovely knee surgery last week, I have been stuck in the house with nothing to do. Today I get to try out my new "partial knee" and walk around without crutches. Yes, life is officially on the verge of becoming exciting again.

If I am lucky -- I will be able to hobble to the next block and vote tomorrow. My ex-husband called me this morning to tell me how to vote (jokingly -- we are polar opposites politically). I honestly think he called to remind me of his birthday tomorrow. I told him I would get him a new President for his birthday -- yes, I AM that funny!

Relationship wise -- I am again in a stupid position. Someone I had feelings for last summer (and am "over") has called and wants a "friends with benefits" relationship. Someone that I used to work with has also made this generous offer. I do not know if I should be flattered or disgusted. Kind of a "you are good enough to f@ck, but not good enough to have a relationship with" kind of thing.

J, my former crush, is confusing me more by texting a lot and acting like a "suiter" and then reminding me that he does not want a "relationship." Which is fine, just confusing. I have not met up with him, and can stall for a while due to my knee.

I thought life was supposed to get easier :-)