Mere words cannot describe

Wow-- almost a whole year...

2010-03-15T21:48:00.000-07:00

if only something exciting had kept me away. But no...simply slacking.

Before I start...
Seriously...how can the people on INTERVENTION not know that their final interview is their INTERVENTION?? I have yet to find anyone who does not watch the show, yet every flipping episode they are shocked when their final interview in an intervention. I realize that their "issues" may be affecting their "memory" or "thinking process" but come on -- really?

Anyway -- I am still overworked and underwhelmed...and fat, so back to veganism for me :-) I do not understand why I go back to dairy and eggs. I give them up, I take them back. It is a love / hate relationship.

To be honest, I think it is laziness. Veganism requires a lot of effort, and money and I am lazy and unmotivated most of the time. I miss summer and the fresh fruit / veggies of the season.

What I really want is a Reece's Peanut Butter Egg and a cheese pizza, but I digress!

2009-04-05T21:04:00.000-07:00

So I have been staying in L.A. for almost two long and smoggy months, and the only "celebrity" I have seen is Phoebe Price. I only know who she is because she is on PerezHiltons website sometimes. She was eating lunch outside (with a friend) at a restaurant at the end of Rodeo drive on Saturday. I told my cousin that I thought she was Phoebe Price and my cousin said to me, "I thought she was trying to focus attention on herself."
There you are ladies and gentleman -- the only celebrity sighting in eight weeks...Phoebe Price!

To live and die in L.A.

2009-03-10T21:52:00.000-07:00

So, I got a new job. Part of said job is spending the next two months (minus weekends) in the Los Angeles area for training. I am already pretty sick of the "living in hotels" aspect of it, but I am really LOVING my new job. For the first time in a LONG time, I look forward to going to work.
I do get lonely though, since I am a total attention whore, and I do not have anyone to hang out with while I am here. I am kinda far from my co-workers, and the other people being trained are really far away. I am meeting up with a friend for dinner tomorrow night, and am really looking forward to it.
If anyone has any suggestions for things to do in L.A., let me know :-)
Yes, that is Willa wearing a skeleton shirt -- my Mom got it for her for Valentines Day!

Men I should have married

2009-02-17T20:39:00.000-08:00

I have been addicted to facebook lately. (Let me know if you want to know who I am there). In part because I have a reunion coming up this year, and it makes me think about all of the people I did not give the possibility (of anything romantic) because I was dating "the loser" for so many of my prime years. It made me think about all of the men I should have married (not counting the one I divorced of course!)

Scott: Polite and well mannered. Spoke three languages fluently. He lived around the corner from me, and we went to school together. When I was 20 or so, I ran into him while walking to the end of a very long line to get Paul McCartney tickets. He was very close to the front of the line and he shouted to me (as I was walking by) and said "It is about time you got off of work and hugged me." (I had not seen him in two years or so). He turned to the guy behind him and said "Sorry, my wife just got off work." So yes, I cut in line and spent the long wait with him. He was leaving out of state the next day, and since it was YEARS before cell phones, we said good-bye and that was it. I looked for him at the concert, but did not see him. I should have married him.

Jeff: We were good friends in the first grade, he moved away, and then moved back in high school. He came back beautiful and shy. He was the "new kid" and I held back on becoming "too close" because I had a "boyfriend." He read books and always held the door open. I should have married him.

Brian: College. Shy frat boy that was in my study group. My friends and I helped him cram for a final, and he bought us all flowers for graduation. He never cussed and was always laughing and just happy in general. I should have married him.

I think I wasted my youth on chasing stupid things. I did not appreciate the small things. The polite shyness of someone who does not want to spend the entire day talking about himself. Boys / men that would walk in front of me to grab the door (car, classroom or whatever). People that had promise and a solid future.

I am really looking forward to my reunion :-)

Yay!

2009-02-16T19:47:00.000-08:00

Thank you for all of your support. I found a new job!! More money and less hours! You guys are the best ;-) The only down side is that I will be traveling for the next three months for training. At least I will be home on the weekends! I am going to save up for a trip across the pond!

God Bless the Red Star of Satan

2009-01-22T19:43:00.000-08:00

So, I am still employed, at least for the time being. The "red star of Satan" has not fired me (yet) but I know it is coming. Everything is down, and I am grateful that I am still on the payroll. I am looking for a new job, and am happy that I do have options.
It is strange to think of starting a new career at 37. THANK GOD I have a college degree. I am shocked at how many jobs now require a B.A. -- even Admin Assistants!!! I can (if I must) live for about 6-9 months on savings, and can always pick up a temp job (I mean who wouldn't hire a master degreed smart ass?!?!?!) and go from there.
Many of the other people I work with are living paycheck to paycheck and scared that today will be their last day. I feel for them. Struggling and scared and being forced out into an over saturated work market.
AND we are (being the royal we of management) being forced to study a "keep morale high" book which makes me want to puke. My first suggestion was to stop firing people, and maybe morale would stop sinking. The higher ups were not impressed. lol
One good thing about being next on "the list" is that I can say and do what I want. I mean what are they going to do...fire me...sooner????

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

2009-01-04T20:45:00.001-08:00

I was a total sloth today. I admit it. The roommates dog and I spent the day lounging in bed and watching football. (The cats spent their entire day watching the bird feeder and are waiting for the Giants game next weekend!) I may have to work six days next week, and that sucked all the motivation out of me.
We (the royal we, meaning the dog and I) did spend some time cleaning up the backyard, but not too much time. My knee is still killing me, and I can only do chores in 15 min (cough - half time - cough) increments. I am scared to death of re-injuring my knee and I know I need to stop babying it.
My cousin has a birthday this week. She is a junior in high school, and is truly a wonderful person.
The entire family is meeting up at a restaurant to celebrate. The only problem -- her Mother will be there. (Her mother moved 2000 miles away to move in with a married man she met on the internet six years ago). I was once very good friends with her Mother, but now can not stand the thought of her. She used to send me the most venomous letters and we have not gotten along since she left. I have seen her twice since she left.
I know that I will "behave" for my cousins sake. I would never dream of making a scene at her birthday. It just makes me sad that it has come down to this. A former close friend who has turned into someone I no longer recognize. Should be interesting.

To the Gods on Netflix...

2009-01-02T20:49:00.000-08:00

I thank you! Now that I can instantly watch movies, I can become a total sloth!! Last night I watched the documentary "The Great Happiness Space." Now I know that there are "male geishas" that make in one month, what I make in a year. I mean who know that women would pay thousands of dollars to hang out and chat with a male. For an evening. With ten of his other "clients." Totally missed that option in the career councilors meeting.
I get to work tomorrow. (I know -- who wouldn't want to spend their Saturday at work??) At least I will have my Muppets lunchbox to keep me company. Thank God this is the year of my "not giving a damn" -- it should make working soooo much easier.
I did get a NYE midnight kiss though! Of course it was NYE in New York, and the one doing the kissing was Willa the dog, but it will do. I could have kissed "wanna be fark buddy" but know that he is interested in me -- I find him annoying.
Yes, I do need mental help. :-)

2009 -- The year of not giving a damn

2008-12-31T20:23:00.000-08:00

Yes dear readers, it IS a Pigs in Space lunchbox! My co-workers are going to be pea-green with envy in the new year! AND it has a thermos. Thank God I am working on Saturday to be able to show it off. I mean if I had a "noncorporate job" then I would have four days off, and would have to wait until MONDAY to show it off.

Speaking of work...apparently our "insurance company" decided that my surgeon did not know what he was talking about and that I did not need physical therapy and canceled my last four sessions. So I went "three sessions over" since they did not bother to tell me, or anyone else. I honestly did not know that an out of state insurance company could over-ride a surgeon. my bad. LOL

I am really looking forward to the new year. It is the year of "not giving a damn." Now, that is not as bad as it sounds...it is really quite positive. (Or in my politically correct work world -- it is the year of "no longer caring." Instead of bottling up everything, when I am bothered by something I will reply "No longer caring" or "Don't give a Damn."

For example:
Big VP Boss Dude "IF you come in an hour early, and stay and hour late AND come in on Sundays (for only an hour) then "the company" could make an extra $17.12. Don't you think that will look good on your review.

Reply: No longer caring. My review is already in the toilet because we did so well the past two years, there was no room for improvement and therefore we all flatlined.

See - perfect. They can't fire me (cough - cloak of disability - cough) and, quite frankly, I really do no longer care.

I like my life away from work. I love my house. I love walking the roommates dog and snuggling with the cats. I love being able to come home and have the energy to do things. Working 12 hour days (plus commuting) is not worth it if the bottom line does not change. No one is impressed by it, and I am no longer trying to impress anyone. I will never be promoted, and all of the ass-kissing and overtime will not change that fact.

I know the economy is bad. I know jobs are scarce. However -- my life is valuable. I do not believe in working 7 days a week. I do not believe in checking work emails on holidays, and I do not believe in expecting those "beneath" me in the organization should either. The willingness to work yourself to death is not a trait that I value.

I am going to enjoy 2009. I am going to take charge again. I seem to have lost myself along the way. I am looking forward to finding out what the hell happened to me :-)

Need I say it again??? PIGS IN SPACE LUNCHBOX!!! I rule!

Sweet smell of success

2008-12-16T19:10:00.000-08:00

I am feeling much better. My Dr. has limited my work hours to eight hours a day (down from 10-12) and I am beginning to feel my sanity slowly creep back. Post surgery I am scared to death of reinjuring myself, and I am slowing losing that panicy feeling.
I think my problem is two fold -- lack of sleep and too much work. I generally have to be at work at 6:30 a.m. This time of year we can work from 530 to 530. (Which means getting up at 430 and going to bed at 9). I do not sleep well as it is, and put physical therapy on top of it all, and you get neurotic me. Now that I am back to a strict schedule, I am no longer wanting to cry all day at work.
I am still looking for another job. Primarily because my limited schedule will end by the end of January, and I know I will not retire at this company.
On a strange other note...I have made two odd purchases in the last three days. Two expensive parfumes. I do get them discounted, but ended up getting better deals on ebay. Anyone who knows me knows that I rarely wear makeup, and am a t-shirt and jeans kind of person. I do, however, spend a crap load on Chanel parfumes. I will be the best smelling patient in the looney bin.

BRRRRRRRRR!

2008-12-10T20:36:00.000-08:00

So yeah. I went back to work today. I promptly came home and applied to every job listed in my area. I almost cried at work today. Me, the woman without a soul, almost broke down into tears out of frustration and stress.
I wanted to lock myself the in bathroom and cry. I was tempted to just walk away and never return. I can not do this anymore. I get up at 5:20ish. Get ready, leave at 6ish and work from 630 to 4, get home around 4:30, five days a week and now they want to add Saturdays. I am salaried, and if they do that, I will be making less than the people I manage who opt out of the overtime.
I wish I could afford to quit.
AND it was soooo cold in the office (why waste money on heat) and I spent the entire day trying to type wearing gloves.
Fortune 5oo my ass.

Light duty

2008-12-09T20:28:00.000-08:00

So I am going back to work tomorrow. My roommates dog will be heartbroken! She has grown used to having me keep her company all morning, and she was used as my walking "therapy" dog after my surgery. She hates when someone leaves (without her) and ends up sulking on their bed until they come home.

I have mixed feeling about going back to work. My job is boring, and a bad "fit" but I am learning to be grateful for having it. Deep down I hope that they keep our facility open, but with one of our main suppliers filing Chapter 11, everything is unknown. I am going to give myself six months to get out or give in.

It seems like everything falls apart at once. In the past month the following has broken down in my house:

TV (Totally dead and no one does repair anymore)
Kitchen sink (Clogged on one side and will not drain)
Dryer (Makes a terrible sound when it is first turned on)
Record player (weird sounding)

Everything will have to wait until the new year. Which is fine. As long as nothing else goes kaupt I will survive :-)

To make things a bit worse -- my "former crush turned just wants to be a f@ck buddy" is acting like an annoying 8th grader. I am a grown woman (and he is also in his 30s) -- I do not need you to text me on a Sunday morning to see if I want to come over to his Moms house and "make out." I mean -- if that is his move I am glad he is a former crush.

Off to cuddle with my the cats and go to bed.

All I want for Christmas is Botox

2008-12-04T08:51:00.000-08:00

I have a 20 year old male roommate. He does look young, but he is over 6' tall and looks (to me) 20.

We went grocery shopping last night, and he dropped his glasses off for a quick repair at the shop next door to S@few@y. We shop and then we stopped by to get his repaired glasses.

We are standing next to each other, and the repairman is talking about the repair and the final cost. Roomy sits down (for the final adjustment) and the repairman gets up, walks toward me as says...

"He has a lot of wear and tear on these frames, you may want to look into budgeting for a new pair for him."

Me staring at him wondering why he is telling me this.

And

Then

It

Hits

Me

He thinks I am his Mother. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

To make it worse, when we get in the car, roomie says to me

"You could have gotten pregnant at 16 and had me at 17. I mean that happens all the time."

Kill me now or give me botox.

Brown Friday

2008-11-28T21:38:00.000-08:00

Bleck to the bleck degree.
Years ago I was treated for depression. (Like 13 years ago). I went through a bad breakup and was young and struggling to feel important and valued. I have a looooooong history of making bad relationship (both family and love) choices, and I try to do the right thing, I just seem to like to fail. I make bad decisions with both eyes open and with full knowledge of the consequences. Truth be told, I am often attracted to people until the very moment I find out they have an interest in me. I love the chase, but loathe the catch. Which is fine -- it is who I am, and I am learning to deal with it.
I am nearing 40 (choke, gasp) and everything is beginning to seem so shaky. I am on disability for the time being, and my job is shaky. I work for a "Fortune 500 company" whose "fortune" is becoming less fortunate by the day. I hate my job, but am clinging to it for dear life because there is not much out there for me to go to. Just like boyfriends of years past, my job is something I need to have because the idea of not having one is scary.
I used to feel like I had a good solid future. I have an excellent educational and work experience background, but suddenly I am looking to compete with people nearly half my age, and with half of my debt ratio.
I struggle with seasonal depression, and am trying to focus on being mentally healthy. Truth be told, the thought of going back to work makes me break out in tears, and the thought of not having a job to go to does not make me feel much better.
Granted, no one "at work" is talking about cutbacks, but it is just denial. It is (to me) 50 /50 at this point. The next month will be a big indicator of what is coming.
I need to reconnect with the person I was 13.5 years ago. When I had faith in myself, and believed in myself. I know I am better off than 93.7% of the people in the world. I have options that many people don't. I need to take my life more seriously.
Despite how this entry sounds -- I am not sad. I just need to take control again.

Now it all makes sense!!!

2008-11-12T16:38:00.000-08:00

My Mom is trying to clear out a garage at one of her rental houses. To my shock and amazement, a few of the boxes were mine. I swear it was like going through a museum of my childhood. My Mom never keeps anything (most of the things in the garage were either furniture or things that belong to my step-dad. I am a packrat. I keep EVERYTHING. I was so happy to find a few things I thought were long gone. One of them being the above pictured PLAYSKOOL McDonalds playset. (Perfect for the future vegetarian!!) I had forgotten how many hours I spent playing with it. I am shocked to have the box and 95% of the pieces.
I also found my old Play-Doh ice cream truck (which must be valueable since Ebay did not have one listed!! LOL). I have not gone through all of the boxes yet, but it will be a nice project for the rest of my diability time off :-)

So much for a trip to the midwest

2008-11-05T08:32:00.000-08:00

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day. We both had interesting fathers (by interesting I mean had gone to jail) and it reminded me that my Dad is banned from one (may be more, who knows) state in the US. Although I do not want to name which state, lets just say it starts with a K and ends in ansas.
When I was a teenager, my Mom drove out to K----s to pick him up. She literally had to drive to the state line and wait for a small "duster" plane to land. My Dad got out of the plan (handcuffed) and was reminded never to enter K----s ever again.
Granted my Dad went to jail for DUI's and minor drug offenses , but I never did find out what he did to piss that state off so much.
I still watch COPS hoping to see him.

A day without crutches

2008-11-03T10:50:00.000-08:00

So far I have spent most of the day cuddling with my roommates dog. Isn't she adorable???? She likes to burrow under the covers and nap with just her head sticking out. She is getting used to me being home all day, and is quite snuggly. It is funny to watch her interact with my cats. When no one is watching they get along and all sleep near each other.

Since my lovely knee surgery last week, I have been stuck in the house with nothing to do. Today I get to try out my new "partial knee" and walk around without crutches. Yes, life is officially on the verge of becoming exciting again.

If I am lucky -- I will be able to hobble to the next block and vote tomorrow. My ex-husband called me this morning to tell me how to vote (jokingly -- we are polar opposites politically). I honestly think he called to remind me of his birthday tomorrow. I told him I would get him a new President for his birthday -- yes, I AM that funny!

Relationship wise -- I am again in a stupid position. Someone I had feelings for last summer (and am "over") has called and wants a "friends with benefits" relationship. Someone that I used to work with has also made this generous offer. I do not know if I should be flattered or disgusted. Kind of a "you are good enough to f@ck, but not good enough to have a relationship with" kind of thing.

J, my former crush, is confusing me more by texting a lot and acting like a "suiter" and then reminding me that he does not want a "relationship." Which is fine, just confusing. I have not met up with him, and can stall for a while due to my knee.

I thought life was supposed to get easier :-)